Mike is a Big Jerk

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Mike got a job tutoring fourth graders in math. "What's a fraction?" one of the kids asked.

"Fraction is when a story is made-up," Mike said. "When a story is true, it's called non-fraction."

"That's not what a fraction is," one of the other kids said.

"Oh, sure," Mike said. "What do you think a fraction is? A number between zero and one represented in a ratio that can be converted into its exact decimal value?"

The kid was confused. "Are you really dumb or are you just a jerk?" he asked Mike.
Mike gave a snorty little laugh and said, "Duh. Can't I be both?"

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Mike ran into some Japanese tourists who wanted directions to McDonald's. "McDonald's? Where is?" they asked.

Mike decided to have some fun with them. "It's up that way three blocks, then make a right, then two lefts, then it's on your right."

He was lying. In fact, the McDonald's was down the other way two blocks, then make a left, then two rights, then it's on your left.

What Mike didn't realize is that his bogus directions led instead to the local chamber of commerce, where the Japanese tourists got coupons for buy-one-get-one-free McFlurrys with the purchase of a Big Mac. And there was another McDonald's right next door. So he actually led them where they wanted to go and saved them \$1.29 each in the process.

It would've been a happy ending, except that, as they walked next door to the McDonald's, one of the tourists got bitten by a squirrel.

They vowed never to visit America again.

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Sorry again for the lack of posts. Mike kidnapped the blog, then he told me the blog moved out of town and didn't love me anymore. But I tracked it down in, of all places, the internet. It was cold and confused and looked a little different than I remembered, but now it's back home with me where it belongs.

"I miss Mike," it says sometimes.

Poor blog. It has Jerkholm Syndrome.

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Mike let the pigeon drive the bus.

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Friday, June 04, 2004

Do you want to be an official Mike Hater? I'm starting a blogroll on this site, but it's only for genuine Mike Haters like me. If you want to join the club, there are just three simple steps to follow:

1. Spread the word about what a big jerk Mike is. Post an entry to your blog about how and why Mike is a big jerk, just like the posts on this blog. But you can't put in some big explanation about why you're making the post or do anything jerky to undercut it like Mike would do. You have to mean it.

3. Send me an email to let me know you want to be a Mike Hater.

It's that simple! However, if your name is Mike, there will be a fourth step just for you, which is:

Sorry, but we can't have any Mikes in the Mike Haters. You may not be that Mike, but we don't want to confuse people. You should change your name anyway -- do you really want to share a name with a jerk like Mike?

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Sometimes people ask me why I haven't posted to this site in a while. Is it because Mike is no longer a jerk? Or did Mike do something jerky like steal my password? Well, first of all, yeah, duh, of course he's still a jerk. In fact, he's an even bigger jerk than ever, and everyone says so, including your mama. (Okay, maybe it wasn't your mama, but that's what she said when she called me, and I'm a trusting person.) And secondly, who knows, stealing passwords is just the kind of thing Mike would do -- and maybe that's why so many of my comments disappeared. Man, when Nelson Mandela posts a comment about what a big jerk Mike is and then it gets lost forever, there's some definite jerkiness at work, that's for sure.

But don't worry. I haven't given up, and I won't stop spreading the word about Mike's jerkiness until everyone in the whole world knows about it. Yes, even K'tuktuk Oogabooga of East B'kluk'ai'l'akaa, Keyna.

Especially K'tuktuk Oogabooga of East B'kluk'ai'l'akaa, Keyna.

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Friday, March 19, 2004

Mike looked in the mirror and said, "Are you talkin' to me, jerk? Are you talkin' to me, jerk?"

And his reflection said, "That's right, jerk. I'm talkin' to you."

And Mike said, "Wow, I can't believe you finally admitted it!"

And the reflection said, "I got sick of hearing your stupid voice. Will you shut up now?"

And Mike said, "Will you be my friend?"

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Mike went to see a therapist.

"Why don't girls like me?" he asked.

And the therapist said, "Because you're a big jerk."

And Mike said, "How come when I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see?"

And the therapist said, "Because you're a big jerk."

And Mike said, "Will you be my friend?"

And the therapist said, "Sure I will."

And Mike said, "Really? REALLY???"

And the therapist said, "Ha, ha. No, of course not."

And Mike said, "Is it because I'm a jerk?"

And the therapist said, "No, lots of my patients are jerks. You're not even the biggest jerk I know."

And Mike said, "Really?"

And the therapist said, "No, there's one guy named Ajerksayswhat who's a bigger jerk than you."

And Mike says, "What?"

And the therapist says, "Ajerksayswhat."

And Mike says, "Wow, I can't believe there's a bigger jerk than me!"

And Mike was happier than he's ever been.

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Mike's mom doesn't know what a big jerk he is. It's really sad. She probably tells all her friends who she plays bridge with, "My son Mike is so cool." And they're probably too scared to tell her the truth. I mean, anyone can see Mike is a super-jerk. Why wouldn't they tell Mike's mom so she'd stop embarrassing herself and living in a fantasy world where she thinks Mike is actually cool?

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Mike has a pet giraffe he keeps in his apartment. His name is Crouchy.

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Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Mike went to Dairy Queen. "I'm allergic to nuts," he said. "Does this blizzard have nuts in it?"

"No," said the employee. "This blizzard is like you. It has no nuts."

"Does it really not have nuts," Mike asked, "or are you just saying that because I'm a jerk and you want me to die?"

The employee responded, "If I lied about the blizzard having nuts and killed you, I'd be an even bigger jerk than you, and that's impossible, so I must be telling the truth."

Mike said, "I can't follow logic like that, so I guess I'll just never eat here again."

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If Mike were a South African politician, he'd be FW de Jerk. And he would end apartheid by uniting all the races in agreement about what a jerk he is.

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I haven't posted in a while about Mike's jerkiness, but that doesn't mean he stopped being a big jerk.

Last month, he pushed some kid down the stairs. The kid totally deserved it, but still, you don't do that to kids.

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Mike likes the nightlife.

And he likes to boogie.

But NOT on the disco round.

On the disco jerk round.

Whatever that is.

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Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Mike's other best friend is a guy named Mike, but it's not himself, it's a different Mike. That Mike is a weenie.

Weenie Mike and Jerk Mike like to try to pick up girls together. Jerk Mike went up to a girl with his opening line. He said, "If I wasn't such a big jerk, would you go out with me?"

She said, "No, because you're not just a jerk, you smell bad, too."

And Jerk Mike said, "What if I took a bath?"

And she said, "No, you're still ugly."

And Jerk Mike said, "What if I got plastic surgery?"

And she said, "No, because your friend's still a weenie."

So Weenie Mike stood up and said, "Hey, he's not smelly!"

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Mike's best friend is a pencil. He named it Kyle, and he has it write out, "You're cool, Mike" over and over again.

One day, Mike and Kyle went to the zoo. Mike wanted to look at the otters, but Kyle wanted to go to the monkey house. So Mike figured they'd just split up and each see the thing they wanted to see. He told Kyle to meet him back at the same spot in an hour. Mike went to see the otters and came back an hour later. Kyle was waiting for him in the exact same spot.

"How did you like the monkeys?" Mike asked.

"You're cool, Mike," Kyle wrote down.

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Mike drinks from the hose.

The jerk hose.

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Mike plays golf at a "jerks only" club.

Nobody else wants to play there anyway.

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Thursday, May 22, 2003

Mike thinks bananas are a good source of potassium.

They are, but he's still a jerk.

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Once I told Mike to chill out. So you know what he did? He went to the freezer and took out a bunch of ice cubes.

Then he put them in the microwave for ten minutes until they turned to boiling water. Then he poured it down his pants.

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Mike's picture is on the jerk dollar bill. They only accept it at K-Mart.

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If you want Mike to stop being a big jerk, write your congressman. Or if there's a woman occupying the congressional seat in your district, write your congresswoman. Or if there's a jerk occupying the congressional seat in your district, write your congressjerk. Unless your congressjerk is Mike. He would just table the issue to committee and nothing would ever get done.

Man, how did Mike get elected to Congress?

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Mike went to the Eiffel Tower and asked, "Excuse me, is this the Eiffel Tower?"

They said, "No, you big jerk. This is a Shakey's Pizza."

Mike said, "Then how come I can see the Arch de Triomph from here?"

They said, "Because it IS the Eiffel Tower, you big jerk. I was being sarcastic."

Mike said, "Can I get a large with extra cheese?"

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Mike once swallowed a toenail.

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If Mike had a cool side, it'd be called Mr. Hyde, and the jerk side would be Dr. Jerkyll.

But Mike doesn't have a cool side.

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Friday, May 16, 2003

No matter how much Mike bathes, he can't wash the jerk off him.

He doesn't bathe much.

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Mike and I used to go to school together before they put him in the class for retarded kids. They did it because he was retarded. But the retarded kids made fun of him because he was more retarded than they were, so they moved him back.

I heard Mike made fun of the retarded kids when he was in their class. What a jerk. You should never make fun of retards.

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Did you know Picasso painted a portrait of Mike?

It was during his Jerk Period.

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Mike's mom used to tell him, "Jerk is as jerk does". Mike didn't know what that meant. It made him mad. That's when he started being a jerk.

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Q: What kind of beef jerky does Mike like?
A: All of 'em.

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Q: What's Mike's favorite disco song?
A: That jerk one.

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- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Mike.
- Mike?! Go away, you big jerk!

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Mike drinks from the toilet. I've seen it.

And not just when it's clean. When there's POO inside, too!

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Q: How many Mikes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Jerk many.

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Q: Why did Mike cross the road?
A: Because he's a big jerk.

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I haven't forgotten about you, Mike. You're still a big jerk. If you were a touring French circus act, you'd be Jerke de Soleil.

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Thursday, March 13, 2003

If there were a guy named Jerky J. Jerkowski in a town called Jerkville Junction in the country of Jerkylvania and he drove a Jerkmobile and wore jerkpants and eau de Jerke cologne, even HE wouldn't be friends with Mike. "I hate that jerk," he'd say.

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Mike has a fear of intimacy. And spiders, too.

But he's NOT afraid of being intimate WITH spiders.

Go figure.

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Mike describes himself in his internet dating ad as "Mike-alicious".

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Mike stole my pudding.

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Mike cheats at Scrabble.

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Baby Spice, too.

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Mike writes love letters to Scary Spice. He wants to marry her.

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Mike wets the bed.

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Mike's still a big jerk.

He liked this blog. What's his problem? It's all about what a big jerk he is. Man, how big a jerk do you have to be to enjoy being a big jerk?

I can't believe they found that Utah girl. What an amazing story, huh? It really makes you think about how precious life is and how we need to appreciate the things that matter in the world, like family and love and happiness.

Sorry, I got a little off track there. Mike, you stink.

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Wednesday, March 12, 2003

Man, Mike is a big jerk.

I've met some jerks before, and I've met some big guys before, but a big jerk? Well, when it comes to big jerks, Mike's the biggest and jerkiest.

Doesn't Mike stink?

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